jealous (the end)

Jealous
By The Black Anonymous



I felt carried away by the strength of the inevitable moment. After all, I would have to confess, I have waited more than a lifetime for this magic to take place. Now, here I am with Dan, feeling the breath and experiencing the kiss of a guy whom I thought was just a character I have to dream in a fairytale.

Yes, everything was perfect. The moment, the moon, the kiss, except when I opened my eyes, I laid my sight to the only person who picked me up when I was shattered into pieces- Matthew.

I realized the growing absurdity of staying beside Dan while witnessing Matt breaking; I left him and immediately followed Matt.

“Where are you going Charles?” Dan looked surprised.

“Matt saw us. I got to tell him what just happened.”

“I think I would have to do it Charles.”

“Don’t stop me Dan. I got to follow Matt. I have to explain to him.”

“You don’t have to Charles. Please stay here.”

“No Dan. I don’t think this sounds right.”

I ran as fast as I could and cried out Matt’s name infinitely, until I couldn’t catch my breath and until he looked back.

“Matt, please, please do listen to me. Please don’t go. Let me explain first.” I begged.

He looked straight to my soul as if absorbing all my conscience, as if reminding me that I just made a horrible mistake.

“Okay Charley. Explain to me what I just saw and maybe you can convince me that it was not a kiss or that you never meant that kiss to happen because as what I’ve observed, it lasted almost forever.”

“Matt, Dan came up to me explaining everything. And God! I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. I sensed there was something that told me to try. ” I screamed in disappointment.

“Listen to me Charley.”
“I want you to know that you are the only reason why my heart is beating at this very second. I want you to know that when that moment you decided to give me the opportunity to love you, I surrendered to you all the love that my heart knows I could give. I did it because I wanted you to feel the kind of love that would quench the longings of your heart. And then maybe you’ll realize that you’ve already forgotten Dan and you are already prepared to face a new life with me.”

“But I guess I cannot always push you to do things that you would not like doing, right?”

“I remember one time, I called you Charles and then for almost a week you did not speak to me. I did not know if in any way I had offended you, only to find out that you don’t want me calling you Charles. So I thought you were just trying to bury the “Charles” in you and you wanted to be comfortable with the new “Charley”. But I guess I was wrong. You don’t want me to call you Charles because only Dan should call you by that name, right Charley?”

“So please tell me that I should keep conversing to you right now until you persuade me that everything between you and Dan are forgotten, that you choose me over him, or else, I’ll walk away.”

I was taken aback with what I have heard. Now I am torn between my past and my present; yet I cannot speak, not because the scenario left me speechless but because my decision might be the biggest mistake I would have to be sorry for the rest of my life.

I fell silent for a long time until Matt broke it.

“Looks like you’ve already made a choice.” He approached me and gave me a light kiss on the forehead.

“Hey look at me Charley. I don’t want you to think that I am mad at you. I just want you to choose what is in your heart. You know I would fight for you if I learn that I have a good chance to be your choice, right? But if I can’t make you happy right now, then I would be willing to let you go so you can be happy with him.”

He advanced a few steps and turned.

“If he refuses to make you happy, would you come back to me and never go again? You know I would be waiting.”

I smiled and then he continued his steps until I could see him no more. I stood for a moment trying to connect everything that just happened, trying to comprehend the situation, trying to cry.
“Come on now Charles. Let’s go.” Dan tapped my back as if to awaken me from my state of unconsciousness. I dabbed my wet face and lift myself.

Now, I am with Dan. I am with the man I chose t o love. For several times I attempted to make things between us exciting. There were really moments that I laughed hard but there were still instances I felt like drifting away. I don’t know, maybe to some place else. Sometimes I feel like I am lost and it was obvious enough for Dan to become aware of.

“Hey Charles, lately you’ve been so far away. I notice you’re kinda thinking of something deep. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I am really fine.” I defended.

But I guess deep inside, I am not. It is as if something’s missing in me or maybe someone. Maybe someone’s missing in my life.

Dan took my hand, held it securely, breathed and said:

“Charles. I knew this would happen.”

“What would happen Dan?” I looked at him, confused.

“…that you’ll begin to act strangely to me because you’ve sorted out that you love him more than me. And you don’t have to explain anything because my heart and brain can do the math.”

I felt pain running down my spine. Yet something in his words made my heart skip. Do I love Matt more than I love Dan? I felt an unusual excitement.

“Go now Charles. Follow your heart. I love you but I don’t want you to be confined in me unhappy.”

I kissed Dan on the cheeks.

“I will always be your Charles Dan, always.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”

“Well, I always knew you’d be the perfect friend Charley.”

I immediately rose and left.

There is something that tells me to go to a place where I must have dropped my happiness. My feet allowed me to reach the destination where I last cried my heart out.
“I knew I’d find you here.” I broke the tranquillity of the atmosphere.

“Charley? What brought you here?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the wind, maybe my mind, maybe love or maybe…you?” I smiled.

“Well, who told you I was here?”

“I am not so sure about that Matt. I just followed my heart and it brought me to you. My heart lead me to you Matt; maybe because it already belonged to you. You owned it right after you wiped my tears dry.

“Are you sure this is for real?”

“This is more than reality Matt. This is what I call forever.”

“Oh come here you Charley.”

Our bodies drew closer and I felt his arms around my waist. He kissed me and it was a kiss of eternity. I tasted love. I tasted happiness.

“Oh God, I damn love you Charley.”

He hugged me tightly.

“Keep saying that. I love it when you call me Charley.” I laughed.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

The End.

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jealous (the journey)

There goes Charley. She’s walking away from me with that new guy. She didn’t even look back, as if I am a past she would willingly get rid off. I couldn’t really tell if I am hurt. All I could say is, there is this pain that is trying to make its way through my heart that I couldn’t just ignore, a pain more intense than what I usually feel after a break-up. I don’t know if all I ever lost was a best friend or she could be more. She could be my life.

Charley. Oh God! She is the most amazing person my heart has known. I always felt that I could totally be myself around her, that I wouldn’t have to be the best player of basketball and worry about what the world might think of me. All I would ever care about is the day and how we are going to expend the hours under the sun. I guess she always had the charm that she insists on keeping to herself but then it glows radiantly no matter how she tries to hide it. She’s just the right girl every man could ever pray for. She has those perfect brown eyes that could let you see forever. She possesses those lips you would want to kiss goodnight. She has the kind of intelligence that could describe the world and the rest that resides in it. She is just so perfect, so perfect that I couldn’t even try to admit to myself that I was in love with her the whole time, because I would upset the world if I’d make her cry. So I chose to be Dan, a mere friend; a friend that could go on pretending that he doesn’t mind the cold breeze that becomes warm whenever I’m around her, a friend that would wake her up at three a.m. just because he misses her, even though in those faultless moments, she believed I was just thinking of Jenny.

Charley. She had me since we were tiny kids on muddy playgrounds. She smiles at me as I stare at her and the rest of the planet fades as if allowing us to rule some seconds of a lifetime. We grew up together and unfortunately came up with a choice we never admitted to be right- to become best friends and to have each other’s back. I probably knew there would come a time that I’d have to regret keeping myself from loving her. And now is that very disappointing time.

Days and months have passed. I reluctantly recall our sweet yesterdays; how I became Dan in her life and how she became my Charley. And I painfully realize that those instances are my life’s perfect snap shots. Today, I see her from afar, wishing she’ll lift her gaze and notice me. And indeed, she did.

“Please Charles! Stop making me believe that you don’t care. Stop pretending that everything’s going to end up fine with you not talking to me forever.



Please Charles, allow me to explain. I don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore. There’s really a lot inside of me that I don’t understand and couldn’t hold any longer. I am so sorry. Just allow me to tell you that…

I tried to search for words to say but I think her presence left me empty.

“Tell me what Dan?”
“What do you think are you doing?”
“You want to hurt me again? Oh my! I’m damn sorry but I could not just allow you to break me yet again. Let’s get on with our lives, shall we? I’m doing okay now with Matt. He’s been helping me get through the mess. I expect you understand that you have to go on too. Perhaps you remember telling me that you didn’t care how I felt and you wished you haven’t known it, right?”

“Let’s just pretend we have new separate lives. I couldn’t be in yours and you couldn’t be in mine anymore.”

“Believe me Charles. I didn’t mean everything I’ve said. I was just carried away with how things were going- the losing team, Jenny, Nate and you. I couldn’t think straight anymore.”

“But now I realize that I really love you Charles. And I would do everything in the world that you would ask me to, just to prove that what I feel for you is true. And I’d do it in a heartbeat Charles.” I explained. Maybe trying to correct my mistakes at once or maybe trying to convince her that it was circumstances’ fault.

“Well, you know what? I got news for you Dan. You should have realized that before, when I was more than ready to love you more than you could ever love me. But today and now, are not like before Dan. You couldn’t just ask me to drop all the pain and forget every hurtful word that came out from your mouth. God Dan! It almost killed me! And now you’re sorry? Look at the world Dan and maybe you’ll start to realize that there’s no more Dan and Charley.”

I tried to hold her hand securely and feel her one more time.

“Let go of me.” She resisted.

She turned away, and while I see her slowly fading in the shadows of broad daylight, I also imagine that I am, second by second, losing my hope to get her back.
I returned home, unscathed. Yes, maybe because the people couldn’t see the bruises in my heart, the pain that I have to bear and the reality that I have to face. But inside me, I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding for her. I’m bleeding for the chance that we have lost forever or more than forever. I’m bleeding for Charley. I’m bleeding because I couldn’t accept that there is already a Matt who has taken my place at her side when it could have been I. Oh god! I wish she could feel the jealousy that fills me right now.

I drowned myself in tears and liquor as I imagine losing Charley forever. I make up stories for myself of what might have been if we were together. But it didn’t satisfy me so I resolute to talk to her.

“Hey Charles! Open up! Come on, talk to me Charley.” I endlessly threw stones at her bedroom’s glass window pane until she came out with a heated look. I can see she’s been hiding an emotion inside her. Some kind of emotion that is hard for me to recognize. Can it be love? But for whom? For Matt? Or for me?

“What now Dan?”
“You’re waking me again at three a.m.? I’m sorry I couldn’t just help you anymore. You know what? Why don’t you go back to Jenny? I think you really love her, right?” She said in a very uncompromising tone.

“No. No, I am not going back to her. I broke up with her Charles. I broke up with her because…” I can see tears flowing from Charley’s cheeks and I struggled to get near her but she shrugged me off.

“…because I am now ready Charley. I am now ready to admit that I love you more than I have loved anyone else in the world and it frustrates me because I couldn’t even tell you this before; because I was a coward. I was afraid of what would happen if at some point in time, you’ll realize that you no longer love me. And we end up separating. And I’m not gonna get to see you anymore. And that would eventually kill me Charles. That would kill me.” I explained.

“How could you think so imperfectly when all you have to do is trust your feelings and go for what would make you happy Dan?”

“Then you might have won me.”
“You might have won us.”

“Please Charles. Tell me there’s still a chance. I couldn’t afford to just give you up to Matt. You will hurt me if you if you’ll go with him.”

“I promise that you would never regret having me back Charles. Do you still love me? Just say yes and I’m yours.”

I moved to her and stole her kiss. Then the world froze as if cooperating to make the moment ideal. I felt my body giving up to the intensity of the emotion. I felt her tears flowing endlessly. I want this moment to last forever. I want her to be mine. Oh destiny! Please let her be mine. Let her be mine one more time.

The moment, the moon, the kiss- everything’s perfect. Everything’s falling into their perfect places. Oh God! I am winning her back…

To be continued…

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jealous (the beginning)

“Charles, wait!”


My heart was breaking when I ran away from him. I wanted to run and to never stop forever. I heard him calling out to me. Oh God, I wish he would run further to catch me…

“Hey Charley! Wait up! Why are you so in a hurry?” Matt asked as if very concerned.
“No I wasn’t. I was just thinking of someone. I remembered someone.”
“Then, why don’t you tell me about it?”
“Okay. Let’s talk about it while we walk. You see, there’s this guy whom I cherished so much. I really wanted to tell him that…


“I love you. I did even before you made friends with me. And I continued doing this because I thought you would discover that somehow, you feel something for me too.” My mind wanted to emblazon all these and simply end everything between us. Yeah, that would mean our friendship. But I can’t. Instead, “Dan, it’s gonna be okay between you and Jenny. Trust me; she’ll give a ring tonight.” I said these even if the moment’s slowly tearing my heart apart.

“Thanks Charles. I always knew you’d be the perfect friend.”

“Well, I guess I am.” I said to myself as I walked pass him to head back to my room. It has always been like this. He wakes me up at three a.m. to tell me that something’s wrong with his girlfriend, and the stupid I, always come to his rescue. I give him words of encouragement that I couldn’t even give to myself.

I am Charley and this is my story.

“Charles! Hey buddy! Guess what?” Dan exclaimed in excitement.
“Yeah I know. She said she was wrong to have said something bad and she felt stupid to let you go so she wondered if you two could give a second try.”
“Hmm. I just wanted to tell you that I got a flat one in Medsurg. But hey, thanks pal! You are a real genius for guessing that right. She called me and threw exactly those words.”
“By the way, where are you heading?” He asked in a very happy tone.
“To hell. Wanna come?” I replied foolishly.
“You’re so weird. I’ll see you later.” Then we walked different ways.

I really cannot blame myself for liking Dan and eventually falling in love with him. You see, he’s the perfect guy every girl in the world would dream to be with. He is tall, dark and handsome. He has those perfect eyes that could look straight to you and melt you if he wishes. He has those perfect lips that could tell no lies. He is so smart. He is so perfect. But maybe beyond that, I love him because he was the only one who chose to befriend me when the rest of the world wanted me to disappear. But then, I always knew we couldn’t be a match. I am Charley, a loyal best friend. And I am excellently defined in his life this way.

I was on my way out to school when my eye caught Jenny kissing Nate, Dan’s team mate in basketball. I hurried my steps for them not to notice me but Jenny did. She immediately blocked my way and grabbed my wrist tightly that I couldn’t let go.

“You wouldn’t dare tell Dan with what you just saw right? You already know what would happen to you. And I am pretty confident he wouldn’t believe you.”

“Don’t be so sure about that Jenny. You really don’t have an idea what a big trouble you’re in.” I fought.

“Yeah really? Try me Charley. You don’t wanna let Dan know about your little crush on him right? What? Ever since you were kids? And you even have the guts to tell me all these?” She held my hand much firmly this time.

“Ouch! You’re hurting me! You don’t know anything about me Jenny!”

“Sure did honey. What made you think that I don’t know about you? You’re so transparent Charley. I can see through you that you like him very much! I’m warning you, one word from you and I’ll make sure he’s not gonna talk to you forever. And you’ll regret for ever trying to start a fight.

She let me out. Both of them hurried back to the classrooms while I wept literally hard. I cried my heart out even until it turned night. I couldn’t really fathom what just happened. I mean, I always knew that that girl was unfaithful. But for it to reach this far, it should be enough. I have decided to tell Dan everything.

I had myself prepared already so I managed to be at school earlier. Then I saw Dan walking towards me with the very unusual stern look and interrogating tone.

“Dan, what’s wrong? Didn’t you sleep well last night? You know, I was kinda wondering if I could talk to you about…”

“There’s really no need Charley.”

I was surprised. He never called me Charley my whole life. I have always been Charles for him.

“Didn’t you just call me Charley, Dan?”
“What’s wrong with you? How could you call me Charley Dan? You never call me Charley!” I raised my voice with tears in my eyes.

“How could you hurt Jen Charley? How could you say such terrible things to her? And as if you weren’t satisfied, you even tried to harm her!”

“No I didn’t. Stop accusing me Dan. You know I wouldn’t do that.”

“Well, who knows you would? How could you do this? From the start, you pretended to be my friend and I was so nice to believe you!”

“Dan, I needed a friend and you were there. You were always there. It was hard Dan because…”

“Because what Charley? Because you wanted me? Which is why you also wanted Jen to be out of the way right? You kept that secret for so long. Now I wish you have kept it forever because I don’t wanna know it.”

“Fine Dan! Because you know what? I am really tired to be the “I always knew you’d be the perfect friend Charley” in your life. For once in my life, I wanted to be somebody more than a friend to you Dan. Everyday I wish for one time, even for one time that you would wake me up at three a.m. not because you have problems with Jenny but because you wanted to tell me that you love me. But God! I know it’s impossible!”
“You know what really happened? Well, I just saw your sweet and unstained Jenny making out with your team mate Nate. I felt bad hiding it from you so I decided to tell you everything. But guess what? Looks like Jenny was first to tell you her side of the story. Hurt her? I didn’t. She was the one who hurt me Dan. You know what else she said? She said you wouldn’t believe me. Oh God, I hate to believe she’s right!”

“She didn’t tell me that Charles”, he said in a shocked voice.
“Of course she wouldn’t Dan.”

“Oh I am so sorry Charles. I never knew…”

“No. Don’t be. I’ve had enough. And maybe you’re right. Maybe it was better that you knew nothing about how I felt for you. Yes, maybe I need this pain to wake me up. I guess I’ve been asleep for a very long time dreaming about you that I forgot to realize there could never be us. This pain shall suffice the long wait.”
“And you know what? God knows how I wished to have never felt this way because no one knows what kind of pain I have to bear whenever I’m around you, when all you ever did was appreciate Jenny.”
“I feel so insecure Dan.”
“I feel so small.”

My heart was breaking when I ran away from him. I wanted to run and to never stop forever. I heard him calling out to me. My, I wish he would run further to catch me.

“Miss, something wrong?” a man handed me a hanky.

“No. Nothing. I just had something in my eye.”

“I didn’t know it could make you cry that badly. Well, I’m new in your school and I don’t have much friends so if you want to talk or not talk, I’m just here.”

“Thanks. Well, uhm, I am Charley. What did you say your name was?”

“Hmm. I’m Matt. Matt for Matthew you know.”

For the first time in my life, someone asked me how I felt. I sketched a smile on my face.

At one corner, I noticed Dan. I knew he saw me. He saw me with Matt. God, how I wish he was hurt. How I wish he was jealous.

I smiled. I wiped my tears away and stood up.

“I am fine now. Let’s go.

To be continued…

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