jealous (the journey)

There goes Charley. She’s walking away from me with that new guy. She didn’t even look back, as if I am a past she would willingly get rid off. I couldn’t really tell if I am hurt. All I could say is, there is this pain that is trying to make its way through my heart that I couldn’t just ignore, a pain more intense than what I usually feel after a break-up. I don’t know if all I ever lost was a best friend or she could be more. She could be my life.

Charley. Oh God! She is the most amazing person my heart has known. I always felt that I could totally be myself around her, that I wouldn’t have to be the best player of basketball and worry about what the world might think of me. All I would ever care about is the day and how we are going to expend the hours under the sun. I guess she always had the charm that she insists on keeping to herself but then it glows radiantly no matter how she tries to hide it. She’s just the right girl every man could ever pray for. She has those perfect brown eyes that could let you see forever. She possesses those lips you would want to kiss goodnight. She has the kind of intelligence that could describe the world and the rest that resides in it. She is just so perfect, so perfect that I couldn’t even try to admit to myself that I was in love with her the whole time, because I would upset the world if I’d make her cry. So I chose to be Dan, a mere friend; a friend that could go on pretending that he doesn’t mind the cold breeze that becomes warm whenever I’m around her, a friend that would wake her up at three a.m. just because he misses her, even though in those faultless moments, she believed I was just thinking of Jenny.

Charley. She had me since we were tiny kids on muddy playgrounds. She smiles at me as I stare at her and the rest of the planet fades as if allowing us to rule some seconds of a lifetime. We grew up together and unfortunately came up with a choice we never admitted to be right- to become best friends and to have each other’s back. I probably knew there would come a time that I’d have to regret keeping myself from loving her. And now is that very disappointing time.

Days and months have passed. I reluctantly recall our sweet yesterdays; how I became Dan in her life and how she became my Charley. And I painfully realize that those instances are my life’s perfect snap shots. Today, I see her from afar, wishing she’ll lift her gaze and notice me. And indeed, she did.

“Please Charles! Stop making me believe that you don’t care. Stop pretending that everything’s going to end up fine with you not talking to me forever.



Please Charles, allow me to explain. I don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore. There’s really a lot inside of me that I don’t understand and couldn’t hold any longer. I am so sorry. Just allow me to tell you that…

I tried to search for words to say but I think her presence left me empty.

“Tell me what Dan?”
“What do you think are you doing?”
“You want to hurt me again? Oh my! I’m damn sorry but I could not just allow you to break me yet again. Let’s get on with our lives, shall we? I’m doing okay now with Matt. He’s been helping me get through the mess. I expect you understand that you have to go on too. Perhaps you remember telling me that you didn’t care how I felt and you wished you haven’t known it, right?”

“Let’s just pretend we have new separate lives. I couldn’t be in yours and you couldn’t be in mine anymore.”

“Believe me Charles. I didn’t mean everything I’ve said. I was just carried away with how things were going- the losing team, Jenny, Nate and you. I couldn’t think straight anymore.”

“But now I realize that I really love you Charles. And I would do everything in the world that you would ask me to, just to prove that what I feel for you is true. And I’d do it in a heartbeat Charles.” I explained. Maybe trying to correct my mistakes at once or maybe trying to convince her that it was circumstances’ fault.

“Well, you know what? I got news for you Dan. You should have realized that before, when I was more than ready to love you more than you could ever love me. But today and now, are not like before Dan. You couldn’t just ask me to drop all the pain and forget every hurtful word that came out from your mouth. God Dan! It almost killed me! And now you’re sorry? Look at the world Dan and maybe you’ll start to realize that there’s no more Dan and Charley.”

I tried to hold her hand securely and feel her one more time.

“Let go of me.” She resisted.

She turned away, and while I see her slowly fading in the shadows of broad daylight, I also imagine that I am, second by second, losing my hope to get her back.
I returned home, unscathed. Yes, maybe because the people couldn’t see the bruises in my heart, the pain that I have to bear and the reality that I have to face. But inside me, I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding for her. I’m bleeding for the chance that we have lost forever or more than forever. I’m bleeding for Charley. I’m bleeding because I couldn’t accept that there is already a Matt who has taken my place at her side when it could have been I. Oh god! I wish she could feel the jealousy that fills me right now.

I drowned myself in tears and liquor as I imagine losing Charley forever. I make up stories for myself of what might have been if we were together. But it didn’t satisfy me so I resolute to talk to her.

“Hey Charles! Open up! Come on, talk to me Charley.” I endlessly threw stones at her bedroom’s glass window pane until she came out with a heated look. I can see she’s been hiding an emotion inside her. Some kind of emotion that is hard for me to recognize. Can it be love? But for whom? For Matt? Or for me?

“What now Dan?”
“You’re waking me again at three a.m.? I’m sorry I couldn’t just help you anymore. You know what? Why don’t you go back to Jenny? I think you really love her, right?” She said in a very uncompromising tone.

“No. No, I am not going back to her. I broke up with her Charles. I broke up with her because…” I can see tears flowing from Charley’s cheeks and I struggled to get near her but she shrugged me off.

“…because I am now ready Charley. I am now ready to admit that I love you more than I have loved anyone else in the world and it frustrates me because I couldn’t even tell you this before; because I was a coward. I was afraid of what would happen if at some point in time, you’ll realize that you no longer love me. And we end up separating. And I’m not gonna get to see you anymore. And that would eventually kill me Charles. That would kill me.” I explained.

“How could you think so imperfectly when all you have to do is trust your feelings and go for what would make you happy Dan?”

“Then you might have won me.”
“You might have won us.”

“Please Charles. Tell me there’s still a chance. I couldn’t afford to just give you up to Matt. You will hurt me if you if you’ll go with him.”

“I promise that you would never regret having me back Charles. Do you still love me? Just say yes and I’m yours.”

I moved to her and stole her kiss. Then the world froze as if cooperating to make the moment ideal. I felt my body giving up to the intensity of the emotion. I felt her tears flowing endlessly. I want this moment to last forever. I want her to be mine. Oh destiny! Please let her be mine. Let her be mine one more time.

The moment, the moon, the kiss- everything’s perfect. Everything’s falling into their perfect places. Oh God! I am winning her back…

To be continued…