So I Thought It Was You 2 (the black anonymous)

Life went on for me for the next two years. God knows how intricate it was for me to survive without seeing a hint of Dan. Everyday, I continue to blame myself for allowing such important part of my story to slip through. And everyday, I permit myself to cry for the seconds, minutes and hours lost for a fairytale of Dan and Charley. If only I could turn back the moment he asked me to come, but regrets only made it harder for me to move on. Each morning when I face the horizon, I realize that Dan is the only man who has ever allowed me to feel this way. Each night when I stare at the stars, I faithfully pray for him to come back.
“Oh God! Send me back the man I love. And I swear in a lifetime, I’ll never let him go.”

And as if God has unwearyingly listened to my prayers…
“Charley, two years have passed yet you still never fail to surprise me with your looks.”
“My, is that you Dan?”
I ascended teary-eyed and held the man I missed in my arms.
“God, I missed you.”
“I missed you too Charley.”
“Why? You suddenly disappeared. You never said anything to me or even left a note or something.”
“Hey Charley, breathe okay?”
“Hi. You must be Charley?” I heard an unfamiliar voice. This made me unwrap my arms around him and discern the girl behind Dan.
“Oh hi!”
“Dan, you didn’t tell earlier you got company. It’s so nice to see you.”
I beamed lightly to give her a smooth countenance.
“Dan, you didn’t tell me you had a sister.”
Dan fell soundless for some time.
“Hi Charley. My name is Rachelle. I’m Dan’s girlfriend.”
No other words came out from me but…
“Of course, you’re Dan’s girl friend. I’m sorry about that.”
“No it’s okay. It’s kinda cute though every time they mistake me as his sister.”
“Yeah, I noticed.”
“I’m sorry we couldn’t stay longer Charley. Rachelle still needs to check in.”
“Yes, no worries.”
“Do you need a ride?”
“No thanks Charley. We brought a lift.” Rachel said with a smile.
“I’ll just ring you Charley.”
“Okay Dan.”

Tears fell from my eyes as he drifted from my sight. I could never explain how I felt. Dan, he never knew that I loved him and he’ll never know that I love him still especially now that Rachelle’s already part of the picture.
I went home with a heart broken because of a past that I could never let go.
11:45 p.m. my phone rang.
I raised myself and answered…
“Hello?”
“Charley, can I see you tonight?”
“Is this Dan?”
“Seems like you’ve already forgotten my voice.”
“Yeah, it’s been like forever since you went away Dan.”
“So can I see you tonight? Just this time Charley.”
“Yes. I’ll be there.”

The stars were shining romantically that night. I don’t know if they were there to conspire with me or just watch Dan break my heart again.

“Charley.”
Dan moved and gave me a kiss.
“I missed you so much.”
Then again, my tears allowed themselves to fall.
“You, you hurt me much when you left. You know that?”
He held my hand and started looking at the stars.
“Charley, what happened?”
“What do you mean with what happened Dan?”
“I mean, why was there never us?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really know about that. Well, maybe because you and I are not meant for now.”
“If that’s the case, then I fancy what would be our future.”
“Hmmm..I can’t really tell. It’s your fault. You did not wait for me.”
“I’m sorry Charley. You…you just kept me waiting for too long…”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes, I guess so.”
“I see.”
I rose from his side. I never would want him to see tears slowly flowing from my eyes. It’s killing me. God Dan! If you only knew how I fervently pleaded for fate and love to connive and make things work for both of us.
But you haven’t waited. You…just when I thought you were the one; you suddenly changed your mind.
“Charley wait.”
“I just want you to know that if this world gives me another chance to have you, I’d take it. But maybe right now is not just for us.”
“Yes.” I answered.
“Maybe not now, not tomorrow, not forever Dan. Maybe God knows that you and I won’t work. But still, I am thankful because loving you has been one of the greatest stories in my life.”
“Goodbye Dan.”
I gazed at the stars again and breathed.
“Nice ending you have here.”
I left, smiling.

The End.

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So I thought It Was You (the black anonymous)

“Charley, what happened?”
“What do you mean with what happened Dan?”
“I mean, why was there never us?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really know about that. Well, maybe because you and I are not meant for now.”
“If that’s the case, then I fancy what would be our future.”
“Hmmm..I can’t really tell. It’s your fault. You did not wait for me.”
“I’m sorry Charley. You…you just kept me waiting for too long…”
“Do you love her?”
“Yes, I guess so.”
“I see.”
I rose from his side. I never would want him to see tears slowly flowing from my eyes. It’s killing me. God Dan! If you only knew how I fervently pleaded for fate and love to conspire and make things work for both of us.
But you haven’t waited. You…just when I thought you were the one, you suddenly changed your mind.
____________________________________
“First day of school honey?”
“Mom, you’re acting as if I’m a super newbie.”
“I’m just making sure that your every day in school is as good as the first one.”
My mom, always ever supportive.
“You know what mom? You’re right. I’m gonna make sure of that, okay? But for now, I’m gonna kiss you and hug you goodbye because your little girl is school bound.”
“Mmmwuaahhh. Bye mom.”
“Bye honey. I love you. Hey, don’t forget your promise!”
“My promise?”
“What mom?”
Mom gave me a much defined look of scrutiny.
“Of course, no boyfriends.” I smiled as I begin my track to school.
Charley, this is your second summer in school. Better make the most out of it, or else, your sister’s gonna kill you. She did not shell out cash for you to just squander. So focus. Stay focused.
“Uhh…room 416.” I carefully read the label of the room to prevent me from making mistakes, which I frequent, every beginning of the semester.
“This might be it. I’m here.” I said to myself.
I gradually inserted myself to the back seat of the classroom.
“Found you! Just the perfect seat and the right place for me. This is so gonna do me good.”
“Really? I thought so.” A voice suddenly came out and made me lift my gaze.
“Hi. I am Dan and that miss, is my chair.”
I sketched a smile on my face, stood up, looked straight into his eyes and whispered…
“Ooops…you forgot to write your name on it.”
I sat back.
“If you want, you can take the chair beside me. That is, if you can stand me. And oh, by the way, I’m Charley.”
“What a chic name.” he said laughing aloud.
“Blimey! Take it from someone whose name’s so masculine but it doesn’t even show in the face.” I gave out a heated look.
“You know what, I think you’re cool.
I mean cool as in cool girl.”
“Well, my mom must’ve ditched me in Iceland when I was born.”
He laughed.
“I’m starting to like you.”
He gave me the sweetest smile that I’ve ever seen. I unexpectedly blushed.
Our eyes met as if celebrating a beginning. But to what? That, we still have to know.

The couple of days and months that proceeded went lively and lovely for us. We always set off home together and I take pleasure in his company very much. I’m feeling nice and easy every time I am with him. Dan, he suddenly smiles at me when I believe I’m losing everything. Then, the world becomes perfect all over again. He looks me in the eye as if taking leisure in every second of our lifetime. He holds me close when I feel like giving up and the warmth he gives every time he comforts me is like a place I would never want to get out. Nevertheless, I am so much scared of a feeling that is about to grow. What would it be if he falls in love with me? What would I do if I fall in love with him? Oh God. Help me.
I took a deep breath to calm my racing heart.
Until my phone rang that made it race again.
“DAN CALLING…”It read.
I slowly hit the answer button.
“Hee..hello?”
“Hi Charley.”
“Hi Dan. What’s with the call?”
“I uhm…I think I might have to tell you something. Are you free tomorrow?”
“What are you gonna say? Why do we have to wait for tomorrow?”
“…so that it would be special.”
“Do you think you could come?”
I can feel his genuineness as he uttered those words.
“Let’s see.”
“I’ll wait for you at the beach, at our favorite spot. 10:00 a.m. You remember, right?”
“Yeah. I guess.”
I ended the call instantaneously. A lot of outlandish emotions came rushing through the fibers of my heart. I couldn’t ponder.
“What is he doing?” I tried to ask myself.
I had the thought in my mind until came the next day.
“Honey, Charley! It’s time to wake up!”
Mom’s voice awakened the hell out of me.
“Yeah right. It’s morning. You bastard! You’ve been in my mind the whole night and you’re still not wearing off until now. You’re punishing me.
“Honey! Come on down now.”
“Yes. I’ll be there in a bit mom.”
I moved myself towards the door and headed to the kitchen.
“Honey. What’s wrong with you? How could you have slept for too long?”
“Why what time is it?” I asked, confused.
“It’s 2:00 p.m. And oh by the way, someone called. I think he said his name is Dan. Daniel, is it?”
“I told him you were out. I thought you went out early for some school project you know until your sister here told me you were still asleep. I’m sorry for that honey.”
The scenario left me static and wordless.
Everything went pitch black to me. That idiot, he wasn’t joking when he told me he’d wait.
I tried to remember the place he mentioned.
“…10:00 a.m. at the beach,at our favorite spot.”
I raced to the door and started the car. It went screeching until I reached the place.
My heart suddenly started talking. You’re so stupid Charley. You are way too stupid. I tried to search for any trace of Dan. But all I found was a bouquet of red roses with a letter on the rubbish that bore:

TO MY CHARLEY:
You have the sweetest name in the world. Seeing you everyday is like paradise to me. But I wish further that I could see heaven and I think there is no other way to realize this than to make you mine.
I love you a lot and you make me love you more each day that passes.
Love,
DAN

Tears raced down my cheeks. Damn it Charley! You’ve lost it. What now?

The next day, I did not see Dan anymore.

To be continued…

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The Invisible Man 2 (the black anonymous)

“You bastard! Who are you?”, Drake, now furiously wiping out blood from his broken lips.
“Tell me. Is Charley not good enough for you?”
Drake immediately rose and gave me a smash on the back.
“Stop it Drake!”
I can hear her.
Charley runs to rescue me. I couldn’t believe she finally perceived that Drake can be mean and supercilious too.
“No you stop Charley. And tell that man, whoever he is, to get a life and shut his mouth. Damn weakling!”
Drake just left as if everything was my fault.
“That guy, he really thinks he’s someone.”
“I’m sorry. Drake doesn’t really wanna hurt you. You might have said something that offended him.”
“Yes, of course, that’s the way it always goes for you right? Drake’s never gonna do anything stupid for you. I get it Charley.”
“Yeah, I guess it will forever go that way. Hey, you look kinda familiar. Have we been acquainted or something?”
“No. No, we haven’t.” I couldn’t just look at her straight in the eyes and let her know that she means a lot, really a lot to me.
“You. You’re Dan, right?”
She lowered her head unhurriedly until the drops of her tears soaked the earth.
“You know it. You have always known it, haven’t you?”
Nodding, she leaned on the wall and sat beside me.
“There are some things you just have to accept even if it leaves you bleeding Dan. Drake and I, we’ve almost shared forever. And if you think it would be so foolish of me to hold on to him, then let me be a fool.”
“I know that.” I answered reluctantly.
“Really? How? I bet you even haven’t found your girl yet. Have you been in a relationship before?”
“Nah, not really. But I’ve already found her. It’s just that someone came even before she found me. I have found her the same time, the same moment, the same circumstance you found Drake. I found you Charley.”
“What do you mean?”
“…that I have always known you Charley. I have always known and loved you. And it hurts me so much that you only give a damn about him. I wish you could set your eyes on other people too, people like me, I guess, who has eternally adored you.”
“But I swear to God you don’t even know I exist. You, Charley, never cared to look at me the way you look at Drake.”
“You just can’t say that Dan.”
“I love Drake so much.”
“Stop it Charley.” I strived to hold her closely.
I can feel immense pain flowing in her. She’s resisting but I just couldn’t let her go.
“Stop loving him. Why can’t you just stop loving him?”
“You’re asking for too much Dan. You’re asking me not to breathe.”
“Let me go.” She insisted.
“He’ll hurt you again…and again. My God Charley, there are people around you who are willing to love and care for you more than he will.”
“He’ll hurt me, yes, again and yet again. But the pain couldn’t just buy the happiness I feel whenever I’m around him. Okay, what if you’re right? What if I never see anyone the way I see Drake? But I don’t care Dan. I don’t care because I love him!”
“I’m sorry Dan. But you and Drake are just two different people in my life.”
She rubbed her eyes, smiled at me and said…
“This should be goodbye Dan.”
She turned and took a step away from me.
“Wait.” I said.
“I wish you can look at me the way you look at Drake. But I know you never will. You never even did. To you, I’ll forever be invisible, just an invisible man.”
“Damn it. Do you even feel I exist? You don’t see me at all. You really don’t Charley.”
She walked away and disappeared from my sight.
I gazed at the sky.
“Good Lord, am I really an invisible man?”
I felt tears cascading on my face.
“Yes, you’re just an invisible man, you loser.” I thought to myself.

The End.

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The Invisible Man (the black anonymous)

“Stop it Charley.” I strived to hold her closely.
I can feel immense pain flowing in her. She’s resisting but I just couldn’t let her go.
“Stop loving him. Why can’t you just stop loving him?”
“You’re asking for too much Dan. You’re asking me not to breathe.”
“Let me go.” She insisted.
“He’ll hurt you again…and again. My God Charley, there are people around you who are willing to love and care for you more than he will.”
“He’ll hurt me, yes, again and yet again. But the pain couldn’t just buy the happiness I feel whenever I’m around him. Okay, what if you’re right? What if I never see anyone the way I see Drake? But I don’t care Dan. I don’t care because I love him!”
“I’m sorry Dan. But you and Drake are just two different people in my life.”
She rubbed her eyes, smiled at me and said…
“This should be goodbye Dan.”
She turned and took a step away from me.
“Wait.” I said.
“I wish you can look at me the way you look at Drake. But I know you never will. You never even did. To you, I’ll forever be invisible, just an invisible man.”
“Damn it. Do you even feel I exist? You don’t see me at all. You really don’t Charley.”
She walked away and disappeared from my sight.
I gazed at the sky.
“Good Lord, am I really an invisible man?”
I felt tears cascading on my face.
“Yes, you’re just an invisible man, you loser.” I thought to myself.
____________________________________

“Buddy, wake up?”
“What are you doing Dan? She’s approaching. Come on you idiot!”
I heard Mike’s voice and eventually recognized I was dreaming in broad hours of daylight.
“Carry yourself well.” He determinedly uttered.
“Hey, is this yours?”
I stopped after hearing such a familiar and popular voice, turned and saw Charley beautifully smiling at me. I searched for words and eventually said…
“Ah..whaat?”
God, I’m really such a big time loser.
“You dropped your confidence.” She smiled.
“I uhmm.. not so fond of chatting to people you know.” I defended.
“Yeah. I can see that." She drew near me. She’s so close that I can even feel her breath.
“It’s obvious. You’re trembling.”
“What’s your name?”
“Dan..Daa--.” You jerk! You are Daniel! Is your name so hard to say?
“Okay. I get it. Bye Dan.”
“My name is.. my name is Daniel.”
At last, I finally said it but when I finished gathering my courage and lifted my face, she was no longer there.
“Loser.” I said to myself in appalling dismay.

It’s been like forever that I’ve known Charley.
I am always a fan of her I guess. She is always a goddess. Everyone in the world would agree that she is so perfect. She has the charm that enchants and the wit that endures. She’s Athena and Aphrodite, the goddesses combined. And everyone in the world loves her but most especially, I love her. The problem is, she doesn’t even know who I am. And she doesn’t even care.
Didn’t I tell you that I have introduced myself to her for like thousand times already? But she always forgets those people that are not so important on the face of the earth. In the sea of her friends, I am really just nothing. So even if she notices me everyday, I am still a vapor to her. I am still invisible to her. It’s like what they say “good as dead”.
Charley, she can only see Drake, the one she loves, really loves. I can tell he is actually blessed. Charley looks at him as if he is the only man she’s gonna love. And she enjoys every minute with him. Many people say they are a perfect match- the goddess with a god.
I imagined myself in Drake’s place. How lucky I would have been and how happy I would have been if I was her man. Definitely, I would be the greatest man who ever lived on earth.
I was about to paint a smile on my face when my eyes caught Drake holding someone else’s hand. Worse, drake held the girl close to him and stole a kiss.
“What the…you can’t do this to her Drake.
You can’t hurt Charley this way.”

“Looks like you and Charley are off already.” I commented while advancing my steps to face Drake.
“Who are you?”
“Damn you Drake.”
I punched him and buried my wrist on his face.


To be continued…

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wish (the black anonymous)

“What are you doing?”
I asked Dan as he locked his fingers into mine.

“What do you think am I doing?”
“I’m holding your hand as if I don’t wanna let you go.”
“I like holding your hand. It fits snugly into mine.”

“But were holding hands as if…”

“As if what? As if we’re a couple?”
Dan smiled and I gave out a sigh.
I thought to myself. I wish we are.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The world- it is full of stories of the heart. Although there are thousands of happy endings every fairytale unravels, there are however, millions of heartbreaks that remain silent in the dark, where no one can hear, where no one can find. Despite this, the world goes on for the rest of the people- alone, in love, breaking, or not. And I, Charley, am one of those people that the world does not notice. I am left, wishing. Wishing for only one, only one happy ending to take place.

“Hey shorty! Dreaming again of that knight in shining armor? I bet you were Cinderella this time.” Dan remarked foolishly on my moment of oblivion.

God, why can’t I have the courage to tell him everything?

“Huh? I’m sorry? What…what were you saying?” I asked, trying to hide my blushing cheeks as he gets an inch closer to me.

“Why have you been floating lately Charles? Is there any problem?”

“Uhmm. Dan…I was kinda thinking if…uhm…” I was about to tell him everything until Micah, her ex-girlfriend hit the conversation.

“Danny! Do you think you have time for a little chat? I kinda thought you were not busy?”

“Charles, is it okay if I borrow Danny for a while?”
Micah. She was always the sweetest. And I hope I could borrow that charm and beauty in her so that Dan may have to look at me differently, so that I can be more than Charley…so that I can be his Charley.
Dan looked at me as if asking for approval.
“Uhh..you don’t really have t o ask him from me. I’m quite sure Dan would also like to accompany you.”
“Dan, Micah..take time to talk okay? I think I have to go now.” I supposed, leaving the one I love with the girl he loves. The irony in it is unhurriedly shredding me into pieces and slowly creating drops of tears on my eyes.

12:00 A.M. – Dan called to say…
“Hey fella, did I cut your beauty sleep?”

“Why do you have to ask? You always do that.”
I can sense him smiling. God, I think I know this man better than he does.

“Charley, do you think I it’s about time that…”
“…that what?”
“that I should tell you about my feelings?”
My heart screamed for joy. This man is finally gonna make a move. I think I don’t have to make things longer for us. I’m gonna have to say yes.

“Charley…are you still there?”
“Yeah..Uhmm..I think I might have to tell you something too. I mean, the feeling is really mutual.”
“You know? You mean you already know?”
“Of course..and I think my answer is yes.”
“God..thank you Charles. I’ve really been battling my feelings about telling Micah I still love her but with you encouraging me already, guess we really have a chance to be together.”
“What? You mean you are going after Micah again?” His words broke me. You are so foolish Charley dreaming you’d be enough for him. Damn, you are such an idiot to believe something unreal.
“Hello?”
“Uhm…Dan..”
“Are you crying? Oh my God, what happened to you?”
“I think I might have to hang up. I am feeling uneasy. I caught colds you know. I..ahh.. I’ll just ring the moment I get better.”
“Okay. Thanks honey! Bye!”

I dropped the phone. Honey? Is that what all people call their friends? Is holding hands still normal for friends? I can’t help my tears from falling. I can feel the pain removing me from earth, exposing me to the saddest part of my story. Why am I Charley? Why am I not Micah?

I gazed to the stars, crossed my fingers and fell into a deep sleep.

The atmosphere was serene. The air was fresh. I went out of the house with the unusual feeling of brokenness. Last night was a mess. I think I could save the rest of the day from heartaches if I wouldn’t see him…until…I did. I saw him. I saw him with her. He did not even notice me. But what hurt me more were the words that fell from his mouth while holding Micah’s hand.

“What are you doing Dan?” Micah, I just wish she would resist.
““What do you think am I doing?”
“I’m holding your hand as if I don’t wanna let you go.”
“I like holding your hand. It fits snugly into mine.”

I felt tears flowing endlessly. It hurts me so much seeing him with her.
I realized that sometimes, we fall in love with a person we could never resist falling for. And no matter how hard we try to be the best for them, we can never be good enough. So we choose to stay silent. And our feelings are trapped in the bounds of friendship. And what do we do? We wish. We can only have them through our wishes. It’s all up to the gates of heaven to grant our happy endings in our dreams but while we are awake, we are faced with a reality that there is no such thing as love for us.

I have to say, although we make a good page in a book of fairy tales,there was never Dan and Charley.
There was never us.

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Love Song (the black anonymous)

listen to a song,
it's from a heart that's bleeding strong now.

hear my heart,
are you deaf of it's yearning?
i bet for all this time,
it's time you should know something.

lately I've been keeping all my love,
trying to hide everything I've felt,
but to keep is not enough,
this doesn't really make me tough.

so I'd tell you...

that i love you
even if you love her too,
it's just so hard to remain a friend,
though i know it's where I'm still going to end.

that i need you
even if you need her too,
a symphony of a broken heart,
longing for a better start.

a friend's love can grow,
and now at least you know,
you know that i love you.

listen to a song,
it's from a heart that's bleeding strong,
hear my heart go wrong,
listen to a friend's first true love song.

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Butterflies (the black anonymous)

How would I say goodbye
To the feelings I wanted to stay forever?
How would I break my last cry
When all my tears have gone dry?

How would I say at least
Thank you for all the years,
For all the pain you brought inside,
The tears and the fears?

How would I turn hate to love
And pretend that I’m okay?
When my heart was torn when I fell in love
And my memories were painted ashen gray?

Sympathy I give myself.
Freedom I now offer you.
I will let you go.
I have to do it, you must know.

All the sweetness in the past,
In fate’s power not bound to last.
Butterflies do also tire.
And so the die is cast.

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Bivouac (the black anonymous)

The battle ended.
There was freedom.
I was unscathed,
Yet there was pain.

He lost the fight
But felt victorious.
I stared.
I cried.

I won the struggle
But felt no glory.
The end broke me.
In the bivouac, I died.

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Terminal (the black anymous)

The time has withered.
It’s the moment to give up,
To finish all the sadness,
To set the final gap.

I’m yet not too over,
Not yet done with loving you.
But our fate’s over,
I’ll face a life that’s new.

I’ll set my heart free,
Done with the pain I have to feel.
I’ll live on how life should be,
And finally know what is real.

I am saving not the kisses
I have kept for you so long.
I am burning all the hopes I have
Thinking I will receive love.

For I had but a lot of pain,
More than enough of my fair share.
I have breathed a life in vain,
Yet you do not even care.

Now my love for you is terminal,
My love for you is through.
I just have to let you go,
In my eyes, a pain won’t show.

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Dear WORLD,

They say there are only two great things that are supremely important in your place. First, you must learn how to give out love and second, you must learn how to let it come in.

For a time I sensed that your people could never afford to carry on a life without love. The stuffed toys, the roses and the hugs and kisses from sweet couples trying to communicate love to each other makes love a great emotion to cherish. But out of curiosity, I would like to ask what happens when in a split of a second, love disappears into thin air? Would people still offer stuffed toys and roses even if they feel that they no longer contain the love that they used to have? Would there still be hugs and kisses even if they knew that their passion for each other faded together with time?

Yes, I do would like to believe in people’s enchanted accounts on how breathtaking their lives have been since the time they found the “one”. But in the stories of those people who weren’t fortunate enough, I somehow find myself in isolation, doubting the strength of this emotion, given that even they tried a lot of efforts to make their relationships work, not anything really happened. Except for the tears shed in the cold rainy nights and wishes of sweet escape from the anguish of a break-up, love furnished them nothing.

I say, there are two most painful experiences in life as I witnessed. First, the moment you learn how to love and next, the moment you realize that you have to let it go. These two make an ironically wonderful cycle of finding and losing, of making and breaking and of sacrificing and convincing yourself that you must never regret that moment you chose to fall in love.

World, meet me. An anonymous entity in the sea of those who thrive to attempt to persuade me that everything in an existence is dull without love. But since I have seen nothing in your place but betrayal and pain these days, my faith in what you call love swayed. Now I don’t understand why people still try to catch their hopes on someone who could never return the emotions that they feel. Aren’t they just being pathetic and pitiful expecting something that can never be theirs? I see your women, hearts scathed, just because their men discovered they do not make a beautiful match. I see your men, sober and broke all because they weren’t good enough to be the ideal. Every passing day, I have observed a lot about love. Many were good but more were sad.

Truthfully, sometimes, the best notions in life are washed out by occurrence of hurtful dealings. I used to enjoy seeing your people smile in immense pleasure with what they feel. But now, my heart goes out for them. I know they would regret falling in the traps of love as soon as they find out that they will only end up getting hurt. If love could not give anything but pain, it might be just good to forget it. Yes, forget it.

I can’t guess how you would consider this. But if you happen to know love more than me, then I can’t wait for your enlightenment.


Always,

The Black Anonymous

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jealous (the end)

Jealous
By The Black Anonymous



I felt carried away by the strength of the inevitable moment. After all, I would have to confess, I have waited more than a lifetime for this magic to take place. Now, here I am with Dan, feeling the breath and experiencing the kiss of a guy whom I thought was just a character I have to dream in a fairytale.

Yes, everything was perfect. The moment, the moon, the kiss, except when I opened my eyes, I laid my sight to the only person who picked me up when I was shattered into pieces- Matthew.

I realized the growing absurdity of staying beside Dan while witnessing Matt breaking; I left him and immediately followed Matt.

“Where are you going Charles?” Dan looked surprised.

“Matt saw us. I got to tell him what just happened.”

“I think I would have to do it Charles.”

“Don’t stop me Dan. I got to follow Matt. I have to explain to him.”

“You don’t have to Charles. Please stay here.”

“No Dan. I don’t think this sounds right.”

I ran as fast as I could and cried out Matt’s name infinitely, until I couldn’t catch my breath and until he looked back.

“Matt, please, please do listen to me. Please don’t go. Let me explain first.” I begged.

He looked straight to my soul as if absorbing all my conscience, as if reminding me that I just made a horrible mistake.

“Okay Charley. Explain to me what I just saw and maybe you can convince me that it was not a kiss or that you never meant that kiss to happen because as what I’ve observed, it lasted almost forever.”

“Matt, Dan came up to me explaining everything. And God! I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. I sensed there was something that told me to try. ” I screamed in disappointment.

“Listen to me Charley.”
“I want you to know that you are the only reason why my heart is beating at this very second. I want you to know that when that moment you decided to give me the opportunity to love you, I surrendered to you all the love that my heart knows I could give. I did it because I wanted you to feel the kind of love that would quench the longings of your heart. And then maybe you’ll realize that you’ve already forgotten Dan and you are already prepared to face a new life with me.”

“But I guess I cannot always push you to do things that you would not like doing, right?”

“I remember one time, I called you Charles and then for almost a week you did not speak to me. I did not know if in any way I had offended you, only to find out that you don’t want me calling you Charles. So I thought you were just trying to bury the “Charles” in you and you wanted to be comfortable with the new “Charley”. But I guess I was wrong. You don’t want me to call you Charles because only Dan should call you by that name, right Charley?”

“So please tell me that I should keep conversing to you right now until you persuade me that everything between you and Dan are forgotten, that you choose me over him, or else, I’ll walk away.”

I was taken aback with what I have heard. Now I am torn between my past and my present; yet I cannot speak, not because the scenario left me speechless but because my decision might be the biggest mistake I would have to be sorry for the rest of my life.

I fell silent for a long time until Matt broke it.

“Looks like you’ve already made a choice.” He approached me and gave me a light kiss on the forehead.

“Hey look at me Charley. I don’t want you to think that I am mad at you. I just want you to choose what is in your heart. You know I would fight for you if I learn that I have a good chance to be your choice, right? But if I can’t make you happy right now, then I would be willing to let you go so you can be happy with him.”

He advanced a few steps and turned.

“If he refuses to make you happy, would you come back to me and never go again? You know I would be waiting.”

I smiled and then he continued his steps until I could see him no more. I stood for a moment trying to connect everything that just happened, trying to comprehend the situation, trying to cry.
“Come on now Charles. Let’s go.” Dan tapped my back as if to awaken me from my state of unconsciousness. I dabbed my wet face and lift myself.

Now, I am with Dan. I am with the man I chose t o love. For several times I attempted to make things between us exciting. There were really moments that I laughed hard but there were still instances I felt like drifting away. I don’t know, maybe to some place else. Sometimes I feel like I am lost and it was obvious enough for Dan to become aware of.

“Hey Charles, lately you’ve been so far away. I notice you’re kinda thinking of something deep. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry. I am really fine.” I defended.

But I guess deep inside, I am not. It is as if something’s missing in me or maybe someone. Maybe someone’s missing in my life.

Dan took my hand, held it securely, breathed and said:

“Charles. I knew this would happen.”

“What would happen Dan?” I looked at him, confused.

“…that you’ll begin to act strangely to me because you’ve sorted out that you love him more than me. And you don’t have to explain anything because my heart and brain can do the math.”

I felt pain running down my spine. Yet something in his words made my heart skip. Do I love Matt more than I love Dan? I felt an unusual excitement.

“Go now Charles. Follow your heart. I love you but I don’t want you to be confined in me unhappy.”

I kissed Dan on the cheeks.

“I will always be your Charles Dan, always.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”

“Well, I always knew you’d be the perfect friend Charley.”

I immediately rose and left.

There is something that tells me to go to a place where I must have dropped my happiness. My feet allowed me to reach the destination where I last cried my heart out.
“I knew I’d find you here.” I broke the tranquillity of the atmosphere.

“Charley? What brought you here?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the wind, maybe my mind, maybe love or maybe…you?” I smiled.

“Well, who told you I was here?”

“I am not so sure about that Matt. I just followed my heart and it brought me to you. My heart lead me to you Matt; maybe because it already belonged to you. You owned it right after you wiped my tears dry.

“Are you sure this is for real?”

“This is more than reality Matt. This is what I call forever.”

“Oh come here you Charley.”

Our bodies drew closer and I felt his arms around my waist. He kissed me and it was a kiss of eternity. I tasted love. I tasted happiness.

“Oh God, I damn love you Charley.”

He hugged me tightly.

“Keep saying that. I love it when you call me Charley.” I laughed.

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

The End.

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jealous (the journey)

There goes Charley. She’s walking away from me with that new guy. She didn’t even look back, as if I am a past she would willingly get rid off. I couldn’t really tell if I am hurt. All I could say is, there is this pain that is trying to make its way through my heart that I couldn’t just ignore, a pain more intense than what I usually feel after a break-up. I don’t know if all I ever lost was a best friend or she could be more. She could be my life.

Charley. Oh God! She is the most amazing person my heart has known. I always felt that I could totally be myself around her, that I wouldn’t have to be the best player of basketball and worry about what the world might think of me. All I would ever care about is the day and how we are going to expend the hours under the sun. I guess she always had the charm that she insists on keeping to herself but then it glows radiantly no matter how she tries to hide it. She’s just the right girl every man could ever pray for. She has those perfect brown eyes that could let you see forever. She possesses those lips you would want to kiss goodnight. She has the kind of intelligence that could describe the world and the rest that resides in it. She is just so perfect, so perfect that I couldn’t even try to admit to myself that I was in love with her the whole time, because I would upset the world if I’d make her cry. So I chose to be Dan, a mere friend; a friend that could go on pretending that he doesn’t mind the cold breeze that becomes warm whenever I’m around her, a friend that would wake her up at three a.m. just because he misses her, even though in those faultless moments, she believed I was just thinking of Jenny.

Charley. She had me since we were tiny kids on muddy playgrounds. She smiles at me as I stare at her and the rest of the planet fades as if allowing us to rule some seconds of a lifetime. We grew up together and unfortunately came up with a choice we never admitted to be right- to become best friends and to have each other’s back. I probably knew there would come a time that I’d have to regret keeping myself from loving her. And now is that very disappointing time.

Days and months have passed. I reluctantly recall our sweet yesterdays; how I became Dan in her life and how she became my Charley. And I painfully realize that those instances are my life’s perfect snap shots. Today, I see her from afar, wishing she’ll lift her gaze and notice me. And indeed, she did.

“Please Charles! Stop making me believe that you don’t care. Stop pretending that everything’s going to end up fine with you not talking to me forever.



Please Charles, allow me to explain. I don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore. There’s really a lot inside of me that I don’t understand and couldn’t hold any longer. I am so sorry. Just allow me to tell you that…

I tried to search for words to say but I think her presence left me empty.

“Tell me what Dan?”
“What do you think are you doing?”
“You want to hurt me again? Oh my! I’m damn sorry but I could not just allow you to break me yet again. Let’s get on with our lives, shall we? I’m doing okay now with Matt. He’s been helping me get through the mess. I expect you understand that you have to go on too. Perhaps you remember telling me that you didn’t care how I felt and you wished you haven’t known it, right?”

“Let’s just pretend we have new separate lives. I couldn’t be in yours and you couldn’t be in mine anymore.”

“Believe me Charles. I didn’t mean everything I’ve said. I was just carried away with how things were going- the losing team, Jenny, Nate and you. I couldn’t think straight anymore.”

“But now I realize that I really love you Charles. And I would do everything in the world that you would ask me to, just to prove that what I feel for you is true. And I’d do it in a heartbeat Charles.” I explained. Maybe trying to correct my mistakes at once or maybe trying to convince her that it was circumstances’ fault.

“Well, you know what? I got news for you Dan. You should have realized that before, when I was more than ready to love you more than you could ever love me. But today and now, are not like before Dan. You couldn’t just ask me to drop all the pain and forget every hurtful word that came out from your mouth. God Dan! It almost killed me! And now you’re sorry? Look at the world Dan and maybe you’ll start to realize that there’s no more Dan and Charley.”

I tried to hold her hand securely and feel her one more time.

“Let go of me.” She resisted.

She turned away, and while I see her slowly fading in the shadows of broad daylight, I also imagine that I am, second by second, losing my hope to get her back.
I returned home, unscathed. Yes, maybe because the people couldn’t see the bruises in my heart, the pain that I have to bear and the reality that I have to face. But inside me, I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding for her. I’m bleeding for the chance that we have lost forever or more than forever. I’m bleeding for Charley. I’m bleeding because I couldn’t accept that there is already a Matt who has taken my place at her side when it could have been I. Oh god! I wish she could feel the jealousy that fills me right now.

I drowned myself in tears and liquor as I imagine losing Charley forever. I make up stories for myself of what might have been if we were together. But it didn’t satisfy me so I resolute to talk to her.

“Hey Charles! Open up! Come on, talk to me Charley.” I endlessly threw stones at her bedroom’s glass window pane until she came out with a heated look. I can see she’s been hiding an emotion inside her. Some kind of emotion that is hard for me to recognize. Can it be love? But for whom? For Matt? Or for me?

“What now Dan?”
“You’re waking me again at three a.m.? I’m sorry I couldn’t just help you anymore. You know what? Why don’t you go back to Jenny? I think you really love her, right?” She said in a very uncompromising tone.

“No. No, I am not going back to her. I broke up with her Charles. I broke up with her because…” I can see tears flowing from Charley’s cheeks and I struggled to get near her but she shrugged me off.

“…because I am now ready Charley. I am now ready to admit that I love you more than I have loved anyone else in the world and it frustrates me because I couldn’t even tell you this before; because I was a coward. I was afraid of what would happen if at some point in time, you’ll realize that you no longer love me. And we end up separating. And I’m not gonna get to see you anymore. And that would eventually kill me Charles. That would kill me.” I explained.

“How could you think so imperfectly when all you have to do is trust your feelings and go for what would make you happy Dan?”

“Then you might have won me.”
“You might have won us.”

“Please Charles. Tell me there’s still a chance. I couldn’t afford to just give you up to Matt. You will hurt me if you if you’ll go with him.”

“I promise that you would never regret having me back Charles. Do you still love me? Just say yes and I’m yours.”

I moved to her and stole her kiss. Then the world froze as if cooperating to make the moment ideal. I felt my body giving up to the intensity of the emotion. I felt her tears flowing endlessly. I want this moment to last forever. I want her to be mine. Oh destiny! Please let her be mine. Let her be mine one more time.

The moment, the moon, the kiss- everything’s perfect. Everything’s falling into their perfect places. Oh God! I am winning her back…

To be continued…

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jealous (the beginning)

“Charles, wait!”


My heart was breaking when I ran away from him. I wanted to run and to never stop forever. I heard him calling out to me. Oh God, I wish he would run further to catch me…

“Hey Charley! Wait up! Why are you so in a hurry?” Matt asked as if very concerned.
“No I wasn’t. I was just thinking of someone. I remembered someone.”
“Then, why don’t you tell me about it?”
“Okay. Let’s talk about it while we walk. You see, there’s this guy whom I cherished so much. I really wanted to tell him that…


“I love you. I did even before you made friends with me. And I continued doing this because I thought you would discover that somehow, you feel something for me too.” My mind wanted to emblazon all these and simply end everything between us. Yeah, that would mean our friendship. But I can’t. Instead, “Dan, it’s gonna be okay between you and Jenny. Trust me; she’ll give a ring tonight.” I said these even if the moment’s slowly tearing my heart apart.

“Thanks Charles. I always knew you’d be the perfect friend.”

“Well, I guess I am.” I said to myself as I walked pass him to head back to my room. It has always been like this. He wakes me up at three a.m. to tell me that something’s wrong with his girlfriend, and the stupid I, always come to his rescue. I give him words of encouragement that I couldn’t even give to myself.

I am Charley and this is my story.

“Charles! Hey buddy! Guess what?” Dan exclaimed in excitement.
“Yeah I know. She said she was wrong to have said something bad and she felt stupid to let you go so she wondered if you two could give a second try.”
“Hmm. I just wanted to tell you that I got a flat one in Medsurg. But hey, thanks pal! You are a real genius for guessing that right. She called me and threw exactly those words.”
“By the way, where are you heading?” He asked in a very happy tone.
“To hell. Wanna come?” I replied foolishly.
“You’re so weird. I’ll see you later.” Then we walked different ways.

I really cannot blame myself for liking Dan and eventually falling in love with him. You see, he’s the perfect guy every girl in the world would dream to be with. He is tall, dark and handsome. He has those perfect eyes that could look straight to you and melt you if he wishes. He has those perfect lips that could tell no lies. He is so smart. He is so perfect. But maybe beyond that, I love him because he was the only one who chose to befriend me when the rest of the world wanted me to disappear. But then, I always knew we couldn’t be a match. I am Charley, a loyal best friend. And I am excellently defined in his life this way.

I was on my way out to school when my eye caught Jenny kissing Nate, Dan’s team mate in basketball. I hurried my steps for them not to notice me but Jenny did. She immediately blocked my way and grabbed my wrist tightly that I couldn’t let go.

“You wouldn’t dare tell Dan with what you just saw right? You already know what would happen to you. And I am pretty confident he wouldn’t believe you.”

“Don’t be so sure about that Jenny. You really don’t have an idea what a big trouble you’re in.” I fought.

“Yeah really? Try me Charley. You don’t wanna let Dan know about your little crush on him right? What? Ever since you were kids? And you even have the guts to tell me all these?” She held my hand much firmly this time.

“Ouch! You’re hurting me! You don’t know anything about me Jenny!”

“Sure did honey. What made you think that I don’t know about you? You’re so transparent Charley. I can see through you that you like him very much! I’m warning you, one word from you and I’ll make sure he’s not gonna talk to you forever. And you’ll regret for ever trying to start a fight.

She let me out. Both of them hurried back to the classrooms while I wept literally hard. I cried my heart out even until it turned night. I couldn’t really fathom what just happened. I mean, I always knew that that girl was unfaithful. But for it to reach this far, it should be enough. I have decided to tell Dan everything.

I had myself prepared already so I managed to be at school earlier. Then I saw Dan walking towards me with the very unusual stern look and interrogating tone.

“Dan, what’s wrong? Didn’t you sleep well last night? You know, I was kinda wondering if I could talk to you about…”

“There’s really no need Charley.”

I was surprised. He never called me Charley my whole life. I have always been Charles for him.

“Didn’t you just call me Charley, Dan?”
“What’s wrong with you? How could you call me Charley Dan? You never call me Charley!” I raised my voice with tears in my eyes.

“How could you hurt Jen Charley? How could you say such terrible things to her? And as if you weren’t satisfied, you even tried to harm her!”

“No I didn’t. Stop accusing me Dan. You know I wouldn’t do that.”

“Well, who knows you would? How could you do this? From the start, you pretended to be my friend and I was so nice to believe you!”

“Dan, I needed a friend and you were there. You were always there. It was hard Dan because…”

“Because what Charley? Because you wanted me? Which is why you also wanted Jen to be out of the way right? You kept that secret for so long. Now I wish you have kept it forever because I don’t wanna know it.”

“Fine Dan! Because you know what? I am really tired to be the “I always knew you’d be the perfect friend Charley” in your life. For once in my life, I wanted to be somebody more than a friend to you Dan. Everyday I wish for one time, even for one time that you would wake me up at three a.m. not because you have problems with Jenny but because you wanted to tell me that you love me. But God! I know it’s impossible!”
“You know what really happened? Well, I just saw your sweet and unstained Jenny making out with your team mate Nate. I felt bad hiding it from you so I decided to tell you everything. But guess what? Looks like Jenny was first to tell you her side of the story. Hurt her? I didn’t. She was the one who hurt me Dan. You know what else she said? She said you wouldn’t believe me. Oh God, I hate to believe she’s right!”

“She didn’t tell me that Charles”, he said in a shocked voice.
“Of course she wouldn’t Dan.”

“Oh I am so sorry Charles. I never knew…”

“No. Don’t be. I’ve had enough. And maybe you’re right. Maybe it was better that you knew nothing about how I felt for you. Yes, maybe I need this pain to wake me up. I guess I’ve been asleep for a very long time dreaming about you that I forgot to realize there could never be us. This pain shall suffice the long wait.”
“And you know what? God knows how I wished to have never felt this way because no one knows what kind of pain I have to bear whenever I’m around you, when all you ever did was appreciate Jenny.”
“I feel so insecure Dan.”
“I feel so small.”

My heart was breaking when I ran away from him. I wanted to run and to never stop forever. I heard him calling out to me. My, I wish he would run further to catch me.

“Miss, something wrong?” a man handed me a hanky.

“No. Nothing. I just had something in my eye.”

“I didn’t know it could make you cry that badly. Well, I’m new in your school and I don’t have much friends so if you want to talk or not talk, I’m just here.”

“Thanks. Well, uhm, I am Charley. What did you say your name was?”

“Hmm. I’m Matt. Matt for Matthew you know.”

For the first time in my life, someone asked me how I felt. I sketched a smile on my face.

At one corner, I noticed Dan. I knew he saw me. He saw me with Matt. God, how I wish he was hurt. How I wish he was jealous.

I smiled. I wiped my tears away and stood up.

“I am fine now. Let’s go.

To be continued…

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